Melt down

  

I’m in bed right now in floods of tears. I don’t even know if I’m 100% sure why.

Maybe it’s Frankie. Maybe because I just can’t let it go, because I have to keep trying for the fairytale ended I always thought it would be yet he continues to have no heart at all.

Maybe it’s my friends, the ones that don’t really care about me. When they see me they tell me all about how busy they’ve been like it’s an excuse for them ignoring me.

Maybe it’s work and the woman who won’t stop. The one who contacts me constantly in Facebook about work stuff at night, weekends, while I’m on holiday. And now I know she’ll bitch about me because I told her I’d reply tomorrow when I’m working.

Maybe it’s work and the fact I am always stressed about wages and how much they’ll be this month, that month or how much they won’t be and how will I pay this, how will I pay that.

Maybe it’s the fact I’ve just applied for 3 jobs in England and what if I actually get one of them and I have to tell my mum that I’m moving. How do I explain why I want to do that.

Maybe I’m sad because I still see my life passing me by so quickly and I just can’t seem to keep up.

Prepare for another online dating rant…

 
Up to date pictures. Is that too must to ask of someone? Some guys have an array of pictures on their profile where they are sporting various hairstyles and are very clearly taken in completely different years – what the hell do you look like now????? My pictures are all from my most recent holiday (which was one month ago) so what I look like in those pictures is what I look like now. 

I want to see your face, I’m not interested in you being a small dot in the distance of a photograph and I’m certainly not interested in seeing your holiday snaps, show me them if we make it to a date. Would you walk up to someone in a bar with a bag over your head? You are online dating. The purpose is to show what you look like. Of course we all judge each other on the first picture we see, looks definitely aren’t everything as they won’t be there forever but there has to be some sort of attraction. Ifs out can’t be honest enough to show me what you look like, you won’t get a reply. Is that harsh?

Also, does every guy, every where really have an ‘athletic’ body type. Online dating suggests they do.

I think they may be lying.

What’s the deal guys…?

  

So I did it, I have returned to the (plenty of) fishing game and, oh boy, is it entertaining. 

I have several issues, one being with the ‘would like to meet’ part where you hit yes, no or maybe to someone in a long list of potential ‘matches’. Answer me this guys, if you say you ‘would like to meet’ a girl and she then says she ‘would like to meet’ you, why is it that when she sends you a message, saying hello and perhaps commenting on something mentioned in your profile, you don’t respond? Is it just a wee game you’re playing to see how many messages you can get? A little boost of the old self esteem? 

Do I just not know how to play this game?

Another issue is those that do send a message. Please, before you hit send consider what you are typing. Just sending ‘hi’ is surely not going to elicit much of a response from anyone? Or sending ‘what do you work as?’ With not so much as a ‘hello, I’m jim’ or some other form of greeting? Put a little more thought into it please!

Another pet peeve is those who have about 9 people in their profile picture and then you look at the others and it’s mainly the same people in them so WHO THE HELL IS LOOKING FOR THE DATE????? Is it all of you? Or just the one? Or maybe the person changes depending on the day and you’re all just using the same account?

Text speak. Y cnt ppl snd a msg in normal words? Do they realise it makes them seem about 15? Or have we swapped over to text speak as our main language now and I’m a little behind the times? 

But hey ho, it’s all in the name of good fun, I am making the effort to contact guys and not just wait for them to do it and I am responding to those who see, relatively normal and being careful not to judge too quickly.

We’ll see how long that lasts.

Do I enter this murky world AGAIN??

 I’m trying to decide whether to try online dating. Again.

I’m bored, I’d like someone to chat to, even a wee bit of attention would be nice. The thing with Frankie was never going anywhere, I knew but just kept trying as I felt I should because it had been going on so long.

But urgh, online dating?

I’ve been on it a few times, mainly match.com and have been on dates with a few guys but Frankie would always come back (also where I met him) and then I’d give it up.

Money is a bit tight this month and I’m trying to justify the cost of match or any other paying site, because Plenty of Fish…..

I just don’t like the name for a start. The one time I properly used it my ex, Mark decided he would get in touch and everytime I went online I immediately got a message from him. This then ended withme waking up one morning to a text from him asking how I was and wo POF messages asking if I ‘fancied playing sometime’ and the other telling me he’d like to ‘lick my fanny’. Who even says that? I’ll bet a 16 year old boy wouldn’t even use such a term. Fucking twat. Anyway, he was politely told there would be no chance of that ever happening. His response was to say it was worth a try and I managed not to take the bait he was dangling for an argument and just didn’t reply. Which worked as I’ve not heard from him since.

POF feels like it is just full of people looking for a shag too, and just a shag, nothing else that constitutes a relationship. I’m not saying there are no decent guys on it but I don’t know if I can deal with it again.

Do I just bite the bullet and do it or do I resign myself to spinster life forever?

I gave him everything and he didn’t even have to commit

 
How fucking stupid am I? 

I gave him loyalty, kindness, care, love, attention, commitment – what did I get in return?

Jack shit?

I made myself look like a fool time and time again and I can’t blame anyone else for that but myself.

All the times he said he really wanted this though, the times he said he loved me, he wanted us to live together, get married, have kids.

Absolute bullshit time and time again.

Like the fool I am, I thought this time, this one last try, would be different. But he’s disappeared again. Despite trying, he will not respond to me so this time enough has to be enough. I need to have at least an ounce of self respect and walk away from this man who will never make me happy. 

There is someone else out there who will.

Mind your own fucking business

 
Who made the rules that you should be married and have kids by a certain age? Who made the rules that your life is better if you’re in a relationship? Why is being 32 and single a bad thing? Is not better to be single than be in a miserable, mediocre relationship? Just because ‘life’ states you should always have a partner?

Why are some people such nosey bastards?

A woman I work with makes it her business to be in my business. She’s always asking what is going on and then telling me, yes telling me, how I should be living my life.

Normally it’s about my love life, or complete lack of it. As much as it would be nice to have someone in my life, I’m not going to settle for anyone, ‘just because’. This woman is always going on about what I should doing to meet someone. 

Today (Saturday) she has sent an email to my work address telling me to sign up for the Guardians dating site because her friend has met an amazing guy. 

You might think she’s being thoughtful and nice, looking out for me and being helpful. She’s not, she’s being a fucking busy body and it’s driving me mental.

I don’t like talking about myself to people and when I do have conversations with her, I feel like she’s judging me and I hate that.

Also, she’s a gossip so I fear she tells other people in my work things she shouldn’t.

Fuck off. That’s all I have to say.

Patience is shot

 
Can you for once be the good guy and acknowledge what you doing Frankie? You make out that you’re this nice guy who was terribly hurt in the past. Yes, someone treated you very bad, but what you’ve done to me isn’t any better.  

You’re all talk and no action and you take advantage of knowing that I really want this and I let you take advantage by being a complete doormat.

You give me things to hang on to. I’m sentimental, I’m emotional, I have a good heart and I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve let you bash it.

When do I realise I’ve had enough. I actually already realise that I just can’t seem to give this up. Yesterday I asked if we should just leave this and you didn’t respond. That is my cue to stop!!!!! But instead today I sent you another message to try and get a response.

This is what life would be with you. Constantly waiting for you to run again. Constantly trying to get you to talk about what’s going on in your head. The fear has gotten too much, you’re not mature enough to deal with how life changes. You say you want certain things but you can’t live your life to carry them out. You’re living in a past that was over 7 years ago. If you’re not over it by now then you have to address it with the person who hurt you, as there is clearly still a very big issue.

I’m letting life pass me by waiting for you. I can’t keep doing this as I know it’ll end with me being lonely and hurt

When will I build up the courage to stop?

Yeah, it’s ok. I’m easily forgotten

  

Sometimes……??  All the freaking time.

Is it because I’m single? Is it because I don’t have kids? Is it because I’m weird? Is it because I bore people? Is it them?

My ‘friend’ Colin, who I worked with years ago and we’ve always kept in touch now only contacts me or responds to my messages when he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He currently has one so guess what……?

Vari, who I knew at school. She grew up in the same village but we only became good ‘friends’ four years ago (our exes were friends). I supported her through her marriage break up, we went to the gym together and saw each other several times a week. She’s recently sold her house and has moved in with her new boyfriend.  Whenever I message her it takes her days to respond and she rarely messages me first. I haven’t seen her in months but she’s coming to a wedding reception with me tomorrow and I don’t know how it’ll be.

Dana, whose reception I’m going to tomorrow. We were ‘friends’ from primary 1. Dana liked to be the queen bee and boss everyone, picking and choosing who her best friend was this week, picking on your weaknesses.  I guess you could say she bullied me even though we were ‘friends’. At 18, when I was at college and realised I could chose who to be friends with, I found the strength to tell her what I thought and we didn’t speak for several years. Mid-twenties we got in touch again and would go out every so often then that became every couple of years. I haven’t actually seen her for two and a half years. We’ve exchanged texts but she always stops responding after two and there have been a lot she’s not replied to at all.

Erin, who I worked with at my last company. We didn’t get off to a great start, I found her difficult and she said the same about me but we eventually became ‘friends’. Offered support when going through break ups at the same time, I took the day off work to help her move, bought her kid presents at birthday and Christmas. I know she has issues and I’ve tried to be a friend. Going places with her, getting in touch, asking her to meet up, listening to her cry down the phone when she finally gets in touch after months of ignoring messages. 90% of the time she doesn’t respond. But that’s ok because she has issues, yeah? The last time I was at my old workplace seeing my other friend, Clarissa, Erin wouldn’t even come out to say hello. She told Clarissa she ‘had to make tea’. Then she eventually did come out to say hello for all if 2 minutes and it was incredibly awkward.

Ilona, who also has her own issues and has two kids, a live in partner and his 2 kids every other weekend. She’s always getting back to me about when we can meet but always seems to forget.

Frankie, who finds it completely acceptable to never reply to messages. And I let him away with it time and time again.

Joanne, who I went to college with. We always kept in touch although since she’s had kids our meetings aren’t as often but I’m fine with that. She got in touch with me two weeks ago to ask if I wanted to meet up without her kids so we could have drinks and normal conversation. I said yeah and she was going to let me know the following day what weekend suited her best………I’m still waiting.

Seven people, at least, who regularly and easily forget me. 

Does that mean it is me that’s the problem? Or do I just have a problem of being a complete walkover.

Away in my own little world

 
I’ve been living in my fantasy world a lot recently. Things with Tom are great though, we’re not perfect, but I’m happy with him.

The strange thing is, it’s the same scenarios I play out over and over, along with a bit of general day to day life. Obviously not my real life, as Tom doesn’t exist in that; in my life as Jennifer.

I don’t know if I have a particular reason for being there. Maybe it’s work issues, maybe it’s the ongoing saga with Frankie. I don’t know how much I want to talk about either of them. It’s much easier for me to lose myself in life with Tom. I realise that’s not healthy, but I also know that I can give him up when I really, really need to. He’s comfort, he’s fun, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel good, he’s my supporter, my confident, my voice of reason.

Who exists entirely in my head.